Never Goodbye

When he had given up on everything, when life was no longer of any use – not after the Time War, Rose, the Ponds - the last thing he expected was her.

She was the one to pull him off that cloud he had been living on. She was the one to lead him out of the darkness, back to earth. All he had needed was, apparently, a clear voice, "Oi!"

After the Ponds' death, he had thought he would be okay soon, that he would recover from that gaping hole. But he had been wrong. Danger followed him everywhere, death ran on his heels, emptiness filled him now and loneliness surrounded him like a blanket of the white snow.

But then, there she was – soufflé girl again. She had sounded so familiar and he hadn't known why.

She was so cheeky, and he could readily confess he loved it.

She was so brazen and rude, excited and beautiful. He found it very easy to fall in love with her, as easy as it could have been.

And she was there for him, helping without knowing, healing without medicine. She was everything he wanted, everything he needed.

Madame Vastra had tested her by the one-word test, and it had worked. Pond, she had replied, her brown eyes alight with a passionate wish to help.

And now, now she's horribly dying there and there's nothing he can do but cry. He had thought there were no more tears left after that scene on a sunny graveyard in New York.

He had been wrong.

"The green woman, she said you used to be the savior of worlds. Are you going to save this one?" she had asked before the Doctor walked out the TARDIS.

He had looked at her very seriously; "If I do, will you come away with me?" He craved a positive answer with every fiber in his very being. The Doctor watched her while she breathed heavily.

"Yes," she had replied, and his hearts had sung.

"Well then; Merry Christmas," he had said, and he had smiled a cheeky half-smile. He had straightened his bowtie, pulled his jacket smooth, and walked away, his gate brisk and determined. There was a world to save.

But he was late again. She is dying, and it is his fault.

Until he had returned, he had been dreaming about running with her, like she had promised, but she didn't. She couldn't.

There is only one tear, mocking him. Only one. One tear for the loss of that brilliant future with her on his side. He had to run alone. Run. Run, you clever boy, and remember...

And then she shuts her eyes. She looks so peaceful, angelic. She was an angel that fell from heaven just to save him, and now she died in the Doctor´s care. Not for the first time does his name mock him. Doctor; Healer, Saver, Failure.

He does not say goodbye, because he can´t. He can never say goodbye because that is where it all ends.

The Doctor is a coward. He will just keep running from himself, hoping that, maybe, one day, he will recover. He will always run and always hope, until both his hearts stop. He has lost too many friends already; he can't afford to give his weary old head some much-needed rest. He has promised her that he would save her world, so that is what he will do. There is no time for an ending yet. Remember, she told him, so remember is what he will do. So, alone, he steps out, into the snow-less world.

He is alone, now, alone in the TARDIS. The old corridors are empty, no laughter, no cries, no 'Geronimo!'s fill them. Alone.

He cannot yet know that one day, he will find her again. She will be the one to hack into the computer, save so many lives, including his. That she will run into his life again, discover the TARDIS and her old secrets.

It is the same Clara Oswald that he will meet one day. Still rude. Still cheeky. Still indescribably beautiful.

But now, he doesn't know yet. He cannot know that he will make her a silent vow, one day. A vow to never let his girl, his impossible girl, die again.